This time of year can hold many challenges: colder weather, shorter days, less sunlight, increased stress, more responsibilities (home, work, school, financial), planning for holidays, interacting with distant family members. Now add grieving to that list and see how it colors everything else.

Grief is like a lens that colors how we see things, how we act, how we feel and how we interact with others. Survivor guilt can make us feel like we don’t deserve to be happy and celebrate. We can feel angry when we don’t feel others are grieving enough. Grieving during the holidays reminds us that, everyone grieves in their own way in their own time and that there are complicated and sometimes opposing aspects of grief.

Yes, we are grieving, and we are …..celebrating…laughing…cooking…feeling joy….being with others.

This complicated, confusing experience is not only okay, but to be expected. There is a model of grief called the Dual Process model. This model explains that we ping-pong back and forth between “loss-oriented” experiences, such as feeling sad, missing our loved one, being triggered by reminders, and “restoration-oriented” experiences, such as trying new things, finding joy, distracting ourselves from the grieving process. It’s a natural process that can feel uncomfortable at the best of times and painful at others. So how can we cope? What do we do?

For those familiar with Improv theater, one of the theater games actors play is called “Yes, And!” This game “forces actors to avoid rejecting other cast members' ideas, and, instead, to find a way to go with the flow”. At least two people are tasked with upholding the conversation, no matter how ridiculous it gets, by using the connector “yes, and” to start their next statement. The premise being, that if you were to say, “no, but”, it would create tension and end the conversation, which does not make good theater.

Seeing as grief is a something that is going to ebb and flow throughout our lifetime, finding a way to say “yes, and” to our grief will help us go with the flow and find a new path forward with our grief. It can show up in moments where you’re cooking your loved one’s favorite meal as tears roll down your face. The thought can pop up “oh no, another holiday without them”.

You can say “yes, I miss them, I wish they weren’t’ gone and I can savor their memory by savoring a piece of their favorite pie.” This may lead to a smile as you think of a past whipped cream fight during dessert.

Or not, which is okay too.

Center For Family Services’ counselors provide comprehensive, multi-component support and recovery interventions following a traumatic event in schools, in the community, agencies serving youth, and businesses. Center For Family Services can provide on-site support and teach coping skills to help survivors manage their feelings and heal. For more information on our services that support individuals affected by gun violence, homicide, suicide, and substance use, visit our Grief and Traumatic Loss Services page.

Here are some additional articles that may be helpful this time of year.

8 Tips for Remaining Present at the Holidays

7 Ways to Go Easy on Yourself While Grieving at the Holidays

Guilt and Grief during the Holiday Season